I went into therapy assuming I was broken. “She thinks I’m a narcissist, I talk about myself so much”. I said to you in my vlog after my first session.
When I finally gave her space to talk, to ask (rather than me blurting out my whole life story in my first session because I thought that’s what she wanted to hear), I realised something really important.
I’m scared to be alive.
Not fed up. Not tired. Not hopeless. Scared.
Terrified in fact.
And how could I possibly expect anything else, when my life repeatedly consisted of frightening trauma after trauma for the first two decades.
I’ve had to ask myself the question: “Is every decision in my life based around fear?”.
– I’m scared of upsetting people. And of conflict. And of the implications of that for me.
– I’m scared of not having enough money. And of the implications of that for me.
– I’m scared of not doing life the way I’m “supposed to” and of the implications of that for me.
The only activity in my life that DOESN’T revolve around fear for me, is writing. And I’m so grateful for that. I trust that knowing this non-fear based experience can be the guide to living more of my life from a place of desire and joy than of fear.
And for now, I must forgive myself for the ways I’ve blamed who I am for how I live. That’s not fair.
I am so much more than the way I talk about myself when I’m afraid.
Thank you for being here.