So hear me out. I think this self-enforced isolation and solitude chapter I have plonked myself in is explicitly for me to feel everything. I think I’m supposed to feel it all. And just watch it wash away with the tide as I sleep.
I think that maybe, MAYBE, I’ve been so swept away by the external factors of the world over the last few years that I have numbed myself to anything real within me. There wasn’t time for that – actually processing stuff. And as a result, things festered and boiled over and were never truly dealt with.
I’d give myself *just enough* relief to get through each day without having a complete breakdown that eventually that became my normal. I didn’t even notice how pumped with adrenaline and fear I actually was. I would treat the symptoms because there wasn’t time to look at the cause. Let alone attempt to fix it.
And now, as I walk into my third month in this chapter, all my feelings are here. Every missing piece of the puzzle has reappeared on the table since the numbness left.
I feel everything. And I no longer think it’s a problem, but a process. (A messy, explosive process to anyone who’s passing by, but still a process).
I am INSIDE myself. And it feels like home.
*Allow me to clear out my home so it’s cozy again*
Knowing how to belong to oneself is the most important thing in the world.