The ache of responsibility is intolerable

A journal entry from last week that I want to share with you. (Please note it was written in all Italics like I am some kind of explorer – let us *visualize*).

“Taking this time off is requiring courage. Thoughts like ‘I’m so lazy’ and ‘What have I even done today?’ come into my head. Crazy how my role as a human has been made to be meaningless without suffering.

Rest brings up just as much toxicity as as busyness. I think back to a time without so much responsibility and crave it [teenhood], even though all I wanted then was freedom.

The ache of responsibility is intolerable. And perhaps, at the same time, part of adulthood. Can it not simply be my responsibility to enjoy myself? To find happiness and peace and a life I don’t worry that I will regret.

Peace in my soul is so complex. I need eternal rest and joy at the same time as a purpose, meaning, drive, legacy, stability, security.

(…) I want my body glistening in the sun. Dancing in the waves. Humming with the birds.

I want to honour it to its core. “

LYL xoxoxo

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